關於女博士
昨晚又有人跟我說了：不要再讀了，不然嫁不出去。我笑笑地說：已經太晚了。心裏卻嘀咕著：在我不女博士的時候，不也一樣沒嫁出去。唉，這三個字擔負了多少偏見與莫名的委屈。什麽都怪罪在它頭上了。
記得三年前，小茹來香港，在科大遇到了華老師與傅老師，讚嘆地對我說：如果我早點來這裡看到她們，説不定就不會堅持不走學術路綫了。她進而解釋說：某次參加學術研討會，看到一個女學者，在該領域也算是不無名氣，卻爲了一個無關緊要的問題，與他人爭論不休，在場幾乎都是男士，僅有她，穿得蓬頭垢面，一副粗俗菜市場大媽模樣，毫無表相可言。在那霎那閒，她的所有學術興趣都灰飛煙滅了。
我明白她說什麽，而且深有同感。在來香港見到大批量女學者之前，我也頗以爲女學者就是嚴肅地穿梭在砲火中的中山裝。當然，也頗有例外的，在上海與復旦這麽個小資的地方與學校，總不缺乏精致的女人：龔靜就是個表表者，教漢語寫作，穿著考究，精致，但據説她丈夫是個富商。我明白這個背景的意思。來香港後，也見到了不少女學者，或者年輕，或者半老，無論是來自香港本地、臺灣或者美國，她們總是知性或者優雅的，總之讓人舒服，她們的學術縱使未能有大家風範，卻也不失爲專業。
當然，這樣說，首先是外表打扮上的問題。沒有人不知道，香港學者的待遇絕對是世界前列；至於大陸，直到今天的上海，一個月也就那麽幾千元。在一件衣服動輒上千的世界面前，誰也不能指望我們這些百無一用的書生能有多少財力在穿著打扮上如何用力。所以，我們什麽也苛求，甚者也不言説。
可是，我卻也不願意就這樣什麽也不說。如果曾經有那樣的女學者，造成這種現象的，與其說沒有錢買不起衣服，不如說，追求美麗的事物一度被認爲是我們的罪惡。畢竟，衣服縱使與形象有關，卻不必然跟金錢有關。（鄭毓瑜是個典範）
就我自己而言，我卻必須承認，有很長很長很長一段時光，審美這兩個字是不進入我的關注領域的。縱使真、善、美三個字總是並舉，但在真尚且不重要的時代，美還有何容身之處？（我這樣說的同時，卻依然強調，善為首出，雖然知道這樣會留下多少隱患）很多年前讀茨威格《昨日的世界》，談到維也納的藝術氛圍，以及中產階級家庭在周末總是收拾得整整齊齊漂漂亮亮地上教堂或者聽音樂會。再到後來，看了很多民囯時期的學者照片，也總是斯斯文文清清爽爽的。再再後來，我突然意識到德、容、言、功中“容”竟然排在第二位。然後，我才理解華老師盛情並茂讀出的那句話：一身愛好是天然。這話是杜麗娘小姐在鏡中看到了打扮得美美的自己時，不由自主的心聲。
心理學家將審美放在人類的最需之一，其下才是文化。換言之，這是最奢侈的需求。在我們常達一二十年的社會中，布爾喬治的小市民生活需求也一直是批判對象。穿著綠軍裝、帶草帽的形象雖然在表象消失，但在“内涵比包裝更重要”卻被歪曲為“包裝不重要的”的教育中，我們對生活的追求似乎成了永遠的拼搏與競爭。在很多所謂的價值追求與概念面前，“美”只是傳統文人的腐朽遺產罷了。
或許把我們今天的沒品味，瘋狂追求時尚，應該歸罪於曾經對美的摒棄吧。因爲不知道什麽是美，結果只能以物質為美了。
可是，回正題，知識何罪？知識如果最終變成一種被追求的功利對象，或者逃避生活的手段，這是不公平的。或者，知識被當成是一切，以爲捨此無他，也是不公平的。再或者，以爲讀書的人就是書呆子，這更是不公平的。知識不能代替金錢，所以沒有錢同樣買不起衣服；知識當然也不意味著懂得唱歌或者游泳。博士們固然不意味著高品位高學識，但博士們也不意味著沒品味、不懂得生活的豐富。
我想起孔子所諄諄告誡的：君子不器。我又想起，孔子曾慨然感嘆“暮春者，春服既成，弱冠五六人，童子六七人，浴乎沂，风乎舞雩，咏而归”是人生最大樂事。當這個社會用經濟取代生活，又用學歷取代知識的時候，博士們，特別是女博士們，要擁有一種平常的生活心， 確實不容易。但讓自己不要成為增加其負面評價的例子，卻也並非不可得。
我一直是土氣的村姑，並且堅持捍衛這種形象，洛爾迦：「還是我昨天同樣的笑，我童年的笑，鄉下的笑，粗野的笑，我永遠，永遠保衛它，直到我死的那天。」 但土氣的、鄉土的、粗野的，並不等同於邋遢的、毫無形象的，它是一種生命力，懂得愛這個世界所有美麗與精彩的生命力。
因爲女博士的穿著，我怎麽就想了這麽一大堆。耽誤了一小時的陽光。
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